


Assassins Never Die

by edgeboi



Category: Assassins - Sondheim/Weidman, Love Never Dies - Lloyd Webber
Genre: Gets progressively worse, Love Never Dies sucks, Memes, Multi, dead memes, love never dies au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 01:12:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11325567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edgeboi/pseuds/edgeboi
Summary: A Love Never Dies AU created by vaingloriousactor and queercateer on tumblr. I took it (with their permission) and made this a thing.





	Assassins Never Die

**Author's Note:**

> Booth = Phantom  
> Leon = Christine  
> Lee = Raoul  
> Proprietor = Meg
> 
>  
> 
> I don't own Assassins, Love Never Dies, or Lazytown nor do I condone the actions of any of the historical people.

The year was 1865. John Wilkes Booth, former actor and assassin of Abraham Lincoln, found himself on the run from the law. Sitting in an empty boxcar, he felt the train he was stowing away on coming to a stop. Outside the stopped locomotive, he heard the hoofbeats of an American cavalry unit. He heard doors being opened. Realizing he was trapped, John remained as silent as possible to avoid detection as long as possible. Suddenly, he felt sunlight hit him as the door to his boxcar was slid open. 

"There he is!" a voice shouted. In a lucky twist of fate, the train began to move. The soldier ran at John and attempted to restrain him. John dodged him and jumped out the still-open boxcar door. 

\---

It wasn't long until the news of John's supposed death was known to the public. What they didn't know was that John had survived falling off of the train. To escape the soldiers hunting him, John moved to Coney Island and opened an amusement park called Patti Lupone's Fun Park. He then decided that the author (who tells his story haha) should now refer to him as Booth so that the Feds don't catch him.

A lot of years later, it happened to be the year 1907. Married couple Lee Harvey Oswald and Leon Czolgosz decided to visit Coney Island along with their son, Stingy, who was just ten years old. 

The author has decided to take a short break from the story to discuss the lives of the previously mentioned couple. Over the past few years, Lee had become an abusive alcoholic (he always had been one). Leon, on the other hand, did nothing wrong. 

Now that that is over with, the story may continue. The family decided to go to Patti Lupone's Fun Park. Lee was casually sipping a gallon bottle full of pumpkin-spice flavored bleach. While Stingy was off doing amusement park stuff without his parent's supervision, Leon thought he recognized the owner of the park.

"Do you know the name John Wilkes Booth," he asked.  
"That's me, why?" replied Booth.

Seven and a half minutes of awkward exposition later, Lee found out his husband cheated on him with Booth and ran off crying. Like, really really cheated. Cheated so much that a country song could be written about him. Just then, Booth's boss, a creepy guy called The Proprietor, entered the room with an SG. He had to use hacks on his Call of Duty account to get it irl but whatever, it was really cool and he will have you know that he graduated top of his class in the Navy SEALS and killed over 420 terrorists.

"Leon, I am not going to let you date the horrible southern racist. He is mine. Time to die," said the Proprietor as he quickscoped Leon, who immediately died from the headshot.

Needless, to say, Lee was sad. Along with his son Stingy, he moved to Lazytown where he lived out the rest of his days.

\--- 

Leon respawned back in creepy Assassin purgatory. You can't kill someone in creepy Assassin purgatory if they're already dead (Leon died in 1901). He never moved back in with his family because of continuity reasons.

\---

The Balladeer woke up with a start. That had to have been the worst dream ever they ever had. Thank goodness nothing like that actually existed. But, like many things in their life, the slight comfort was shattered. It had dawned on the Balladeer that Love Never Dies actually existed and that their spooky Mormon hell dream already existed, albeit slightly better. They ran outside and screamed into the abyss.


End file.
